Beef Tallow Homunculus Escapes From HHS Building
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the humanoid abomination seemed to have used the lubrication from its own body to slip through the bars of its enclosure, officials from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed Tuesday that a beef tallow homunculus had escaped from their facility. “While we have locked down the premises and cleared the surrounding buildings, we urge the community to remain on alert—the fugitive beef tallow known as Nutritional Experiment 0147 appears human in form, but it should be considered highly greasy and approached with extreme caution,” HHS researcher Natalia Rangel told reporters as she examined a savory trail of rendered animal fat left by the mass of sentient meat drippings, which she said had grown larger and stronger in recent weeks after developing a taste for live cattle lipids. “Because of its thick and slippery composition, bullets are useless to stop this suet golem. We have found they glide through its midsection and actually accelerate out the other side. Its only known weakness is seed oils, but given the amount of saturated fat it’s already amassed, we are prepared to deploy a concentrated blast of Red Dye 40 in order to subdue it.” At press time, the recovery team hunting the beef tallow homunculus had been ordered to stand down by Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who was able to apprehend the creature by beckoning it “back into Papa’s arms.”
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