Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef

RICHMOND, VA—Feeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. “I do hope you’ve been enjoying those steaks and that they’ve been prepared to your satisfaction—but now comes the delightful surprise,” said Emile Bernier, a mischievous smile spreading over his face as he lifted a silver cloche to display an empty foam tray with a large USDA sticker clearly visible on the torn cling wrap. “That almost buttery filet mignon you’ve all been savoring was sourced by our very own U.S. Department of Agriculture. Oh, what’s the matter? You’’re suddenly all so pale. Come now, there’s no shame in expanding your palate a little, is there?” At press time, nauseated guests had begun fleeing the dining room before Bernier even had the chance to reveal that their salad greens had been thoroughly inspected by the FDA.

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