Cornell Vows That Rapists Will Be Forced To Write Much Longer Essays In The Future
ITHACA, NY—Acknowledging serious missteps in their handling of a 2024 campus sexual assault case, administrators at Cornell University vowed Tuesday that, going forward, rapists would be forced to write much longer essays as punishment for their…
We Went Undercover at a Furry Convention, Which Was Pretty Goddamn Easy What With All the Costumes and Shit
We here at The Hard Times are no strangers to hard-hitting think pieces that expose the full scope behind some of the greatest epochs and toughest questions facing us in these chaotic modern times. Naturally, our unrivaled zest for uncovering the truth…
Supreme Court Signals Openness To Gutting Beastie Boys’ Right To Party
WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito suggested that the Court is open to gutting the Beastie Boys’ right to party, according to sources. “This so-called ‘right’ to party that these beastie gentlemen want people to fight for is just a thinly…
Heart-Wrenching Movie Scene Immediately Cuts To Liberty Biberty
The post Heart-Wrenching Movie Scene Immediately Cuts To Liberty Biberty appeared first on The Onion.
Political Profile: Abdul El-Sayed
Abdul El-Sayed is the Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate in Michigan. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the progressive candidate. Ethnicity: Scary-American Personal Mission: Disproving harmful stereotypes about jacked Muslim doctors…
Posture Adjusted To Equally Incorrect Posture
The post Posture Adjusted To Equally Incorrect Posture appeared first on The Onion.
Russian Who Funded Don Jr’s Wedding Also Funding His Divorce
Saul Loeb/AFP via Getty Images MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The Russian oligarch who paid for Donald J. Trump Jr.’s recent wedding revealed on Tuesday that he would also bankroll the newlywed’s divorce. “I wish Don Jr. the best in…
Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called ‘Frodo, But Evil’
BUENOS AIRES—After exhausting a significant amount of his intellectual energy in a series of company launches, a creatively tapped-out Peter Thiel announced Tuesday a new startup called “Frodo, But Evil.” Everyone knows Frodo’s the hero…
Taylor Swift Surpasses Geppetto The Incredible Waltzing Horse As Most-Awarded VMAs Artist
LOS ANGELES—With her three wins last night finally putting her ahead of her greatest pop star rival, Taylor Swift surpassed Geppetto the Incredible Waltzing Horse on Sunday as the most-decorated artist in the history of MTV’s Video Music Awards.…
Pros And Cons Of Using Personal AI Agents
Tech companies have begun offering personal AI agents, which can access users’ accounts and perform tasks on their behalf. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these autonomous digital assistants. PRO Fun to torment a digital slave Never liked taste…