Local Music Venue An Absolute Minefield Of Ex-Boyfriends

CHICAGO—As she navigated the concert crowd with increased vigilance, local woman Penelope Frasier issued a red alert Thursday, warning that the music venue she and her friends had just entered was an absolute minefield of her ex-boyfriends. “There could be one hiding around every corner,” said Frasier, quickly peeking out from behind a support beam to check if the coast was clear before wordlessly signaling to her friends to follow her to the women’s bathroom. “They’re camouflaged well among the landscape of beards and black T-shirts, but I’ve already got eyes on three previous partners in the audience—not counting the two behind the bar. We just need to maneuver past the first row, bypass the left side of the stage undetected, and stay out of the sight lines from the merch table. If we evade the pack of people smoking outside, we’ll all make it home safely tonight.” At press time, Frasier reported being startled awake at 2 a.m. to a blitzkrieg of “I saw you at the show tonight” texts.

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