Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell
The lovely couple could not afford the time off work, so they wed in eight 15-minute chunks over three days during their allotted bathroom breaks. The post Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell appeared first on The Onion.
MLB Attempts To Increase Fan Engagement By Providing Ball With Emotional Backstory
NEW YORK—In an effort to deepen viewer connection to the on-field product, Major League Baseball officials announced Tuesday a new fan-engagement initiative in which every ball introduced into play would be accompanied by a rich emotional backstory…
Woman Sleeps Her Way To Top Of Family
GALENA, IL—Calling the woman a “desperate slut” who hadn’t put in a hard day’s work in her life, an anonymous source told reporters Monday that local mother Tara Grunsen had only attained a senior role in her family because she had slept her way to the…
What To Know About The 2026 Emmys
The 78th Primetime Emmy Awards will air on Monday. The Onion shares everything you need to know about this year’s ceremony. Q: Who’s most likely to win? A: Taylor Dearden is a favorite for Outstanding Attempt To Hide You’re A Cranston. Q: What…
Australia Bans AI Music From Charts
Australia’s record industry banned music made entirely using AI from officially charting, responding to a version of Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” produced using AI-generated vocals and drums which charted for 16 weeks. What do you think? “Real AI music fans…
Kiss Cam Operator Not Going To Stop Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed
The post Kiss Cam Operator Not Going To Stop Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed appeared first on The Onion.
Bombshell Report Reveals Netanyahu Had Advanced Warning Of Oct. 7 Attacks
An explosive report revealed that the United Arab Emirates warned Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu about an imminent attack by Hamas 10 days before Oct. 7, with Netanyahu reportedly dismissing the threat that would end up destabilizing the…
Stars Share Their Favorite Fall Fashion Secrets
Stars Share Their Favorite Fall Fashion Secrets As the weather cools down, millions of Americans are adjusting their wardrobes accordingly. The Onion asked celebrities to share their favorite fall fashion tips to help you look your best this…
Hyperrealistic ‘GTA VI’ Feature Makes Players Serve Out Prison Sentences In Real Time
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Touting the gameplay element as the ultimate immersive experience, Rockstar Games announced Thursday that a new hyperrealistic Grand Theft Auto VI feature would force players to serve out prison sentences in real time. “GTA VI…
Trump Claims 9/11 Attacks Happening Every Day In Democratic Cities
WASHINGTON—Saying the tragic events of 25 years ago were just the beginning in the nation’s blue states, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that 9/11 attacks were happening every single day in Democratic cities. “You go to Seattle or…