Taking Back Sunday To Play Special ‘2003 AIM Away Message’ Setlist at Riot Fest
AMITYVILLE, N.Y. — Rock band Taking Back Sunday announced their plans to play a special setlist at this year’s Riot Fest featuring songs whose lyrics were heavily featured in people’s 2003 AIM away messages, sources report. “We’re aware that our fanbase…
Tearful Mark Zuckerberg Smothers Metaverse Avatar With Digital Pillow
PALO ALTO, CA—Telling himself he had “no other choice” but to end the simulated character’s life himself before his company effectively pulled the plug on the virtual world, a tearful Mark Zuckerberg reportedly smothered his metaverse avatar Thursday…
Doughy Eastern European Man Tired Of Everyone Assuming He’s NBA Superstar
MCCOOK, IL—Complaining that he couldn’t even walk down the street without being mistaken for a world-class basketball player, doughy Eastern European immigrant Vukašin Petrović told reporters Thursday that he was tired of everyone assuming he was an NBA…
Kirk Devine
Kirk Devine, 45, passed away in a hot-air balloon explosion last Wednesday. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that mourners find and return Devine’s body parts. The post Kirk Devine appeared first on The Onion.
Researchers Develop First AI-Designed Viruses
Scientists have for the first time used AI to create viruses that don’t exist in nature, a milestone that has prompted hopes for medical breakthroughs and fears of new biological threats. What do you think? “Big whoop. McDonald’s PlayPlaces whip up new…
Marlins Jumbotron Displays Message Saying Free Trial Of ABS System Has Ended
The post Marlins Jumbotron Displays Message Saying Free Trial Of ABS System Has Ended appeared first on The Onion.
Manager Calls Bullpen Just To Say Hi
The post Manager Calls Bullpen Just To Say Hi appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Tears Up White House In Search Of More Munitions
WASHINGTON—Surrounded on all sides by overturned furniture, ripped-out desk drawers, and dozens of loose items flung wildly from their shelves, President Donald Trump reportedly tore up the White House on Thursday in a frantic search for more munitions.…
Trump Regularly Hides in Catering Truck to Avoid JD Vance
Adam Gray/AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump routinely hides in a catering truck parked outside the White House to avoid talking to JD Vance, Secret Service sources revealed on Thursday. According to the sources,…
10 Other Weapons From Spider-Man’s Rogues Gallery Ranked by How Likely They’ll Be Given to ICE
Excelsior true believer, this is a raid! The Trump administration has just announced its plan to ramp up the cartoon-villainy of ICE — actual cartoon villainy! They’re shelling out 20 million dollars to equip ICE with electro-shock gloves à la Spider-Man…