NSFW Artist Struggling To Improve On Sexiness Of Regular Muppets

PORTLAND, OR—Admitting that he was completely at a loss over what he could possibly add, NSFW artist Caleb Driscoll told reporters Monday that he was struggling to improve upon the raw sexuality of the regular Muppets. “Normally this stuff just flows right out of me—like, I’ve never had any issue making Hank Hill or Totoro or the Babadook more fuckable—but damn, with the Muppets, I am just stumped,” said Driscoll, explaining that every attempt to eroticize the beloved Jim Henson characters merely distracted from the sensual power of their original felt forms, specifically citing Kermit’s “tight amphibian dumper,” the Swedish Chef’s “sultry accent and arm-flapping,” and Miss Piggy’s “pink little snout and hooves—my God, those hooves!—I just want her to stomp all over me.” “I’m truly spinning my wheels here. I thought about having Gonzo ejaculate out of his nose, or drawing Statler and Waldorf blowing each other in the balcony, but it all felt like overkill. They’re dime pieces as-is. Maybe I could put Fozzie in leather? Have Janice show some bush? Twink up Scooter and Skeeter a little more? No, no—that’d just be gilding the lily. And I can’t do anything with Rowlf because he’s a dog, and I draw a line at bestiality.” At press time, the frustrated artist had reportedly abandoned an attempt to render an orgy scene after realizing his initial sketch was a near-perfect facsimile of The Muppet Show intro.

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