Report: Other Tailgate Looks More Fun

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—After divvying up a Bud Light six-pack and soggy Subway sandwiches purchased at an I-87 rest stop, a glum group of tailgaters in Section J of the MetLife Stadium parking lot confirmed Sunday that the tailgate across from them looked way more fun. “Damn, those guys brought a portable generator just to power the flat-screen and speaker system in their pickup bed,” said one Section J tailgater sitting on a cracked Igloo cooler, enviously eyeing the neighboring crew—identified as “the Sauce Posse” by the large flag waving above their green-and-white canopy tent—as they grilled a variety of meats on a Big Green Egg, played drinking games around a tower of Solo cups, and tossed their heads back in laughter from all the fun they were having. “And look, they got a bunch of girls to come hang out with them. It’s like a full-on party now. Maybe it’d be cool if we went over and asked for one of their frozen margs. We could offer to share our Pringles.” At press time, sources confirmed the Section J tailgaters were quietly looming near the Sauce Posse under the pretense of checking scores on their TV. 

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