Pete Hegseth Announces All Young Men Will Be Drafted to Either RAW or SmackDown
WASHINGTON — The United States Secretary of War Pete Hegseth held a press conference this week to clarify plans, as directed by the president, on how a military draft will be executed and organized.
“It’s no secret that we already have the most testosterone-high, battle-ready men to lead us into war like Spartan warriors, but if we want to keep filling our ranks with the same caliber of men then we need a long-term plan to keep creating them,” announced Hegseth. “Which is why, with collaboration from the Department of Education, we will be sending each newly drafted and enlisted soldier to either SmackDown or RAW. There they will hone their promo skills and fitness skills as they battle for survival against the likes of Roman Reigns and CM Punk. If they survive those battles, they get the privilege to go to basic training.”
New recruit Scott Blyleven was informed of the change shortly after signing up.
“I wish I knew about it before committing to this, but that explains why the recruiter kept asking if I ‘knew how to take bumps’ which I thought was just him asking if I was going to do cocaine at basic training,” stated Blyleven. “I don’t understand why I need to learn pro-wrestling to join the Army. I’m told I have to leave on a bus now to make it to Omaha, Nebraska for RAW on Monday and was given some boots and a leotard. I just wanted to get tuition money and now I have to survive this before I can even begin my military contract.”
Army recruiter Sgt. Alonso Pelota recalls the quick pivot to the new process from the Department of War.
“We were all caught off guard because we thought it was a joke. But soon after we had WWE reps calling us giving us details on how to judge new recruits and to send them to their respective brands,” recounted Sgt. Pelota. “A press release came shortly after from the president that said he believed he survived his time in WWE due to his mental toughness and athleticism and wanted all future soldiers to have the same experience. I think the president believes WWE is real.”
As of press time, Secretary Hegseth stated no recruits would be sent to NXT because “that’s for babies.”
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