Mike Johnson Begs God to Rapture Him Before Midterms
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Facing a Republican wipeout in November, on Tuesday House Speaker Mike Johnson begged God to “rapture him up” before the midterm elections.
Witnesses in the US Capitol reportedly saw the Louisiana lawmaker on his knees in the House cloakroom, beseeching the Almighty to “put me out of my misery.”
“I don’t want to be in the minority,” he prayed, chocking back tears. “I’m a Republican. We hate minorities.”
“You’ve seen the polls, and O Lord, are we screwed,” he added. “Please call me up to Heaven like you did to Lindsey Graham.”
According to onlookers, the normally taciturn deity thundered, “What makes you think that asshat’s in Heaven?”
