Man Watches In Silence As Wife Reveals All The Things She Brought Home From Store That Aren’t Cheez-Its
CARLSBAD, CA—Desperately scanning the kitchen counter for anything besides a fruit or vegetable, local man Jeremy Drummond watched in silence Tuesday as his wife revealed all the things she brought home from the store that weren’t Cheez-Its. “Come on, come on, now that we’ve got all this health food out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff,” Drummond reportedly thought to himself, his stare laser focused on the grocery bags as his partner of 12 years proceeded to unpack dozens of non-Cheez-It items, including a carton of almond milk, a bag of raw dates, and four bars of ethically sourced dark chocolate. “Don’t panic. There’s still one bag left. Okay, what’s this box, hiding at the bottom? Goddamn it. All-natural trail mix?” At press time, an exasperated Drummond could be heard exclaiming, “They cost how much?” after he had eaten an entire $12 package of his wife’s favorite Parmesan crisps in one sitting.
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