Donald Trump To Rename New Mexico ‘State America’
WASHINGTON — In the latest move of his tireless patriotic renaming crusade, President Donald Trump announced this morning that the State of New Mexico will henceforth be known as “State America.”
“State America. It’s big! It’s a big, strong name. We’re really excited to finally be able to do this. Every time I see that old name, whatever the hell it used to be called, it makes me sick. Everybody I talk to, they say to me, they say, ‘it just makes me sick.’ But this new name, I’d be proud to be from State America,” the president stated during a press conference earlier this morning. “ Some people give me grief about all the renaming; they say, ‘Oh, Mr. President, sir, you can’t just rename everything America,’ I tell them, ‘I do whatever the hell I want.’ Nobody can stop me. I can rename your mom; I don’t care. Your mom’s name is America now. How’s that?”
New Mexico-born White House Correspondent Matt Strauss had somewhat of a bittersweet response to the news.
“Is it going to be tough to change the name of my home? Sure. Not as tough as it’s going to be to change the New Mexico tattoo I have across my back, but if that’s what I have to do to make this country great, then that’s what I have to do. I definitely think it’s worth all the effort to make this change to become who we truly are, and that’s American.”
When pressed for her thoughts, Karoline Leavitt also sang Trump’s praises before she could make her way out the door.
“It’s great! It’s great, of course it’s great! He’s such a genius, you know? First the gulf, then the lake, and now this. We’re bringing our nation closer together and showing the other countries how proud we are. This is good! It’s good. I mean, who doesn’t think New Mexico could use a revamp? I’m sure even the New Mexicans, or the, shit, what do you call them?” Leavitt appeared quite frantic, even ducking at the sound of a plane overhead before adding, “You know what? Maybe we should just rename them all! They’ll all be the states of America, and that’s going to fix everything.”
Leavitt refused to answer any more questions, claiming she needed to get home and begin the process of legally renaming her baby “America” at the instruction of the president.
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