Study: Explosive Power Of Rocket Launcher Increased 35% By Shouting ‘Suck On This’

BALTIMORE—Calling the study’s findings “revolutionary” for anyone currently staring down a henchman or terrorist, a study from Johns Hopkins University published Thursday found that the explosive power of a rocket launcher increased by 35% when the person firing it shouted “Suck on this.” “According to our trials, squinting your eyes and dramatically stating, ‘Hey dickbreath, suck on this,’ produced a dramatic surge in overall ballistic capacity,” said the study’s lead author, Mark Prigge, noting that participants nearly doubled their inflicted damage when they slung an RPG onto their shoulder and uttered a phrase like “Sayonara, sucker” or “Say good night, asshole.” “Even when subjects unclipped a grenade, threw it at their targets, and told them to ‘catch’ or ‘think fast,’ we noted a marked increase in destructive capability. Overall, however, uttering ‘Suck on this,’ pulling the trigger, and slowly walking away as a mushroom cloud erupted in the background was by far the most effective method.” Prigge also noted that his team was working on a related study to prove the correlation between fighting strength and declaring an intention to open a can of whoop-ass.

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