Robert Plant Admits Hair Is Noodles
SHATTERFORD, England — Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant finally made a statement admitting that his hair is, in fact, noodles, confirmed sources who long suspected as much.
“I’ve been afraid to tell people,” Plant shared while cleaning his hair using a pair of chopsticks. “You know, hair was a very big deal and a huge part of one’s rock and roll personality back in the day. I was terrified people would mock me, and even more terrified that people would nibble me. Eat up all me [sic] hair. Then who would I be? It’s not like I’m just a fucking drummer. Who wants a bald hard rock frontman? But now that the world is a little more accepting of hair diversity and a gluten-rich scalp, I feel brave enough to share that my hair is made up entirely of instant noodles.”
Plant’s Led Zeppelin bandmates shared their perspective on this revelation.
“We’ve always known, and I’m just so proud of him for finally sharing it with the world,” said guitarist Jimmy Page. “It’s been a struggle for him for as long as I’ve known him. He felt left out when the rest of the team was getting perms or blowouts. Or when groupies would come back and run their hands through our hair. He would have to tell them to be super gentle, which he worried made him look like a pussy. He was always having to oil his hair to prevent it from sticking. It was a whole host of struggles that I never had to think twice about for myself. He’s the most courageous man I know.”
Christina Saracina, hair stylist to the stars, spoke about the impact a statement like this will have in the world of hair.
“I’m so pleasantly surprised to see a man from his era opening up about his starchy hair,” said Saracina. “It’s going to make a huge difference that this vulnerability is coming from an iconic rocker. Noodle hair isn’t spoken about much, and I really hope this means we’re going to see an uptick in styles embracing noodle hair and its unique qualities. It’s also going to inspire more stylists to learn how to work with noodles. I think it’s our duty as hair experts to be well-versed in all hair types, whether that be thin hair, Black hair, or ramen.”
In related news, aging rocker Gene Simmons admits wig is wig.
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