Little League World Series Game Turned Off Due To Neither Team Having Big Fat Kid

BUFFALO, NY—Audibly groaning before declaring the event “a major letdown” compared to competitions in previous years, local baseball fan Dylan St. John reportedly switched off Wednesday’s Little League World Series game between Canada and Asia-Pacific due to neither team having a big fat kid playing for them. “What the fuck is up with all these goddamn string beans? What happened to all the huge, chunky kids?” said a visibly irate St. John, telling reporters that he had been looking forward to the Little League World Series as the only remaining sporting event where fans could watch 250-pound 12-year-olds compete at an elite level. “What’s the point of watching this thing if there aren’t any tweens the size of a D1 linebacker with a nickname like ‘Meatball’ or ‘Tortuga’ or something? If I wanted to see a bunch of normal-sized kids play baseball, I’d go to my local park, but this is the Little League World Series—I’m here to see some massively overweight kids just fucking launch balls into orbit. Seriously, some of these kids look like they’re barely pushing 100 pounds. What a waste of time.” At press time, St. John had turned the game back on after his buddy texted him that Canada had just put in a 260-pound catcher the announcers referred to as ‘Wrecking Ball.’”

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