Crying Newborn Has No Idea How Much Worse It Gets

MEDFORD, OR—Saying the infant really ought to save her tears for the real shit that’s headed her way, sources familiar with crying newborn Sophia Whitfield confirmed Monday that she had no idea how much worse it was going to get. Observers told reporters the shrieking baby was clearly oblivious to the fact that any distress she experienced in exiting her mother’s womb would pale in comparison to the fucking decades of tedium, misfortune, and humiliation yet to come. According to witnesses, the clueless Whitfield should be crying tears of goddamn joy, because she was at the absolute pinnacle of her life, completely unaware of the bullying she would experience in school, the loveless marriage that would go 20 years too long, or the career ambitions that would be constantly thwarted, not to mention a genetic predisposition to Parkinson’s that could rob her of her mobility at any moment. At press time, sources reported that the newborn was at last comfortably napping in a bassinet, not realizing she would soon be crying in her sleep too.

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