Audiophile Gets Hepatitis C From Dirty Vinyl Needle

BALTIMORE — A health and musical disaster occurred today as a man contracted hepatitis C from a dirty vinyl needle, confirmed sources.

“I just wanted to listen to my commemorative vinyl of the podcast ‘Comedy Bang Bang,’” said audiophile and sickly freak Tanner Cox. “I tried to put it on, but my needle was broken. I realized I could either buy a new one from Amazon, or go to the streets to score one. I was really jonesing for improvisational character comedy on vinyl, so I went out to the bad part of town. Some sketchy dude offered me a needle. I knew I shouldn’t, but I wanted it so bad. He gave me the needle – for free – and I ran home to try it, and it worked great. A few weeks later I feel like I have the flu. Go to the doctor, turns out it’s Hep C. And to think I got it this way, and not all the unprotected sex with prostitutes.”

Although sharing vinyl needles is inherently dangerous, many street-bound music addicts will take the risk regardless.

“I use the same needle for all kind of crazy shit,” said unhoused music aficionado and frequent needle sharer Dom Vincent. “I listened to Chuck Berry, Buckcherry, Ween, the Beatles, the Wiggles, something my brother cooked up, and that Wu-Tang album that Martin Shkreli bought. Didn’t clean the needle once. Who cares anyway? We all are just listening to music. It’s natural! If I catch something from it, it’s just God’s plan. Incidentally, I also listened to a God’s Plan single on here and got herpes from it.”

While this might have been an isolated incident, public health officials warn it might be a bellwether for a greater crisis.

“Everyone who listens to vinyl should prepare to get HIV,” said professor of epidemiology at Johns Hopkins Dr. Alex Matherson. “Sharing needles is the most dangerous musical phenomenon since mosh pits. If you listen to ‘Eazy-Duz-It’ by Eazy-E then that needle is permanently stained with the virus. Now you don’t change the needle and listen to Lionel Richie’s greatest hits. Now that album is infected and you lend it to your grandma. Soon everyone who loves Lionel Richie is sick and dying in the street. What I’m trying to say is that all audiophiles should be on PrEP.”

At press time, a desperate Cox was trying to fashion a makeshift vinyl needle from a rose thorn.

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