Suck It, Remax! Hard Times Has a Hot Air Balloon Now

Well, if it isn’t the fancy-pants house peddlers. How’s business going for you guys? Ah, so nobody can afford a home because boomers are hoarding all the wealth and asking for $800k for homes they’ve never updated. Yeah, that’ll happen! Oh, but of course you’re a nationally recognized brand, and this is just a speed bump. After all, Remax is nationally recognized thanks in part to your iconic hot air balloons throughout this country’s suburbs. But that’s not why we’re here. Do us a favor and look up for a second.

Haha yeah, suck it Remax! Hard Times has a hot air balloon now, so you’re not so damn special anymore, are you? 

Oh, you thought you safely had the advertising balloon market all locked up, didn’t you? Well, it turns out there’s a surprising amount of desperate, struggling balloonists looking to offload their equipment for cheap. Honestly, painting the 30-foot-tall Scabby on the side was the hardest part, but now we’re no longer confined to the internet, and we’re coming for your territory. Because fuck you, that’s why.

What value do your balloons bring to the community anyway? Frankly, if we saw you floating above our heads, we’d assume the price of everything within five square miles is about to skyrocket. Not us, though, because we have the one thing you’ll never have: a ton of merch we can throw over the side of the basket. We’re going to make it rain pins and tote bags. What are you gonna do, throw starter home keys all over the interstate? Please.

Aside from knocking down a few power lines and the intern setting his hair on fire, this thing is pretty easy to maneuver. Plus, it’s easy to spot where the cops are before we touch down at a construction site and borrow some copper to sell because damn, is this thing expensive to fuel. We don’t have all that fancy broker fee money you have lying around, you smug bastards. 

Yeah, I think it’s safe to say that your days of peacefully controlling the aerial advertising market are over. Now everyone will look up and say, “Wow, I should go read some biting satire about punk music and how much the government sucks’. 

Oh, and Goodyear, if you’re reading this, the second we get our hands on a blimp, we are coming for your ass.

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