Real Brian Thompson Assassin Having a Fucking Field Day Right Now

NEW YORK — Elliott Brock, the man who shot UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson and then allowed beloved dreamboat Luigi Mangione to take the fall, was reportedly over-the-moon excited by the news that Mangione has pleaded guilty and therefore secured his freedom, sources close to the real killer confirm. 

“I might as well come out and say it, I did it!” boasted Brock in a post on social media. “I did it, and now there’s nothing they can do about it because they have their man, and that’s how the system works! Hell, I didn’t even have a good reason for doing it, as Luigi did. I was just mad they wouldn’t cover my Hims boner pills. My best guess is Luigi was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I still can’t believe they built a case against him. There were thousands of photos of him hanging out with people far from New York when I shot that dude, each of them completely real, but I guess coping to a murder he didn’t commit — a murder that, to be clear, I totally DID commit — was simply his best option. Part of me feels bad, but the rest of me is like, ‘Yes! Yes! Holy fucking-fuck YES!’ All I know is it’s a beautiful day outside, and an incredibly handsome man is going to prison for a crime I committed.” 

At press time, the judge was said to be contemplating reducing Mangione’s sentence to “time serving” on the grounds that he is “an absolute beefcake.” 

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