Drummer Has Zoomies
BUFFALO, N.Y. — A recent show for death metal band Burning Rhino Carcass had to be delayed because their drummer was busy running around in circles like a dog, according to confused sources.
“I’d like to apologize to my band and everyone in attendance who bought tickets for the show, which had to be temporarily paused,” said drummer Keith Whitaker before licking his crotch to clean himself. ““I’ve been on some new medication recently that, coupled with my undiagnosed ADD and cocaine habit, has given me a serious case of the zoomies. I was just so excited to perform that the only way I could burn off any energy was to bolt around the stage like a labrador in heat until I tired myself out.”
Loyal fan of the band Marco Cruz couldn’t believe what he witnessed.
“The show was just about to begin when the drummer suddenly dashed in with his drumsticks in his mouth and began frantically hightailing it around the stage,” said Cruz. “I was on a blind date, so I felt a bit embarrassed after guaranteeing the show would be amazing, only to watch the chaos that ensued. The show eventually continued after one of his bandmates managed to corral him against a wall, but not before the lead singer slipped on one of the many piss spots he’d left behind, faceplanted, and lost a bunch of teeth. I did not get a second date.”
Music expert Kaley Thomson explained that the line between musicians and animals is surprisingly thin.
“Research has found that musicians actually have more in common with animals than we previously believed,” stated Thomson. “Drummers are most connected to canines, especially dogs, jackals, and dingoes. Singers, who like to be the center of attention, are unsurprisingly similar to birds such as peacocks and roosters. That leaves bassists, who have the most in common with sloths and pandas, since they generally don’t do much and could disappear entirely without Mother Nature giving a shit.”
At press time, the band wasn’t able to perform their encore until they scratched the drummer’s belly and told him he was a good boy who deserved a treat.
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