Jensen Huang Vents About Investigation To New Russian Girlfriend

LOS ALTOS HILLS, CA—Ranting at length as he shared details about his stressful work life, NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang reportedly vented to his new Russian girlfriend Tuesday about the ongoing corporate investigation into his conduct at the company. “I’m telling you, Svetlana, you have no idea the insane amount of pressure I’m under,” Huang said as his 24-year-old Slavic paramour gently caressed his shoulders and encouraged him to relax and speak clearly into her chest. “They hate me out there. They want me to step down. Oh, I never should have trusted [Chinese intelligence asset] Alice [Huang]. She never understood me like you do. Everywhere I go, it’s like I’m surrounded by snakes and backstabbers. But not you. Ever since meeting you 20 minutes ago, I feel like I can finally let my guard down and just be myself.” At press time, sources confirmed Huang was following his mistress’s advice to “take it easy” by letting her log onto his computer and complete his tasks for the day.

The post Jensen Huang Vents About Investigation To New Russian Girlfriend appeared first on The Onion.