Five Planets Train Totally Snubbed While Writing “Drops of Jupiter”
If you were around in the early 2000s, you undoubtedly remember Train’s hit “Drops of Jupiter”, which was a touching power ballad written about frontman Pat Monahan’s late mother. As poignant as this subject matter was, we can’t help but wonder what our solar system’s other majestic celestial bodies did to deserve the slight of not being mentioned. As such, here are five planets that Train totally snubbed while writing this tune. What did they do to deserve that?
- Earth
This is certainly the most obvious choice. What, did the band not even stop to consider mighty Gaia, the beautiful sphere orbiting graciously in the coveted Goldilocks zone of its respective star, without which they wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to write this song in the first place? Who the fuck did these guys think they were, anyway?
- Neptune
With its awe-inspiring light blue sheen and mass 17 times that of Earth, Neptune is the only planet that was not initially observed by direct empirical observation. Out of sight, out of mind, it seems, which is a goddamn shame considering what Neptune could’ve brought to this pop hit. What, does Train only write about planets that they’re able to see with their naked eyes? Honestly seems kind of shallow, if you ask us.
- Saturn
Look at those rings! Never in our entire lives has any object in God’s creation taken our breath away quite like the sight of this gas giant. Apparently Pat Monahan couldn’t be bothered with giving our sun’s sixth cosmic satellite the time of day, however. Seriously, what a fucking asshole.
- Mars
We for one can think of one band that should absolutely NOT get an invite once we terraform our next door neighbor. We don’t like to think of ourselves as spiteful, but we’d be lying if we said we don’t derive some pleasure from the thought of them left all alone, stranded in San Francisco while their fellow humans embark on a utopic new chapter on this planet without them.
- Pluto
A tiny but admirable occupant of the Kuiper belt, Pluto is—what? Pluto hasn’t technically been considered a planet since 2006? Oh, well, we suppose we’ll give you a pass on this one, Train, even though we technically shouldn’t because you released this song five years before that. It seems we’re just feeling magnanimous today. Still, though, fuck you.
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