Hegseth Says His Naturally High Testosterone Has Helped Him Apply Makeup
Updated on August 6, 2026
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Wednesday credited his “super-high testosterone level” with his ability to apply “military-grade makeup.”
“In order to be Secretary of War, I have to be Secretary of Warpaint,” he told reporters. “And my warpaint is by Estée Lauder.”
“Being blessed with off-the-charts testosterone has enabled me to perform with extreme lethality,” he said. “Make no mistake: I am lethal with an eyebrow pencil.”
In perhaps his boldest claim, Hegseth said that his makeup technique proved that he had the highest level of testosterone in the Trump administration, with the possible exception of Jeanine Pirro.
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