Nation Watches Helplessly As 2028 Election Cycle Begins

WASHINGTON—Exhibiting a growing sense of panic as screens lit up with rumors and speculation about potential candidates, the nation reportedly watched helplessly Wednesday as the 2028 election cycle began. “Oh God, no, it’s not even 2027 yet—what do you mean people are talking about 2028?” said Doug Edmunds, echoing the sentiments of millions of pale, fearful Americans who peeled the “I voted” stickers off their clothes and scrolled past prediction market odds for Republicans retaking Congress in two years. “Jon Ossoff running for president? No, no, you must be mistaken. He just got reelected to the Senate. What’s this about a crowded Democratic primary? Primaries happened earlier this year, and we’ve got over a year until they happen again. Right? Oh fuck—I just got an email asking me to donate to Pete Buttigieg’s presidential campaign.” At press time, reports confirmed all 340 million Americans had locked themselves inside their homes and started to frantically load their guns after canvassers for the Rahm Emanuel 2028 campaign appeared at their doors.

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