Chuck Schumer Warns That Winning Goes Against the Aims of the Democratic Party

WASHINGTON — Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer warned that recent victories for Democratic candidates go against the aims of the Democratic Party, confirmed sources.

“If we wanted to win, we would,” wrote Schumer in a strongly written letter to his critics who say his leadership is ineffectual and weak. “You’re looking at a party that has lost two, count them, two elections to Donald Trump. Does that look like the work of winners? We ran an octogenarian and somehow got him to win, so obviously the best plan then was to run him again, even though he was clearly sundowning, and then switch him out for an unprimaried candidate who thought the best strategy was to win over Trump-hating Republicans while staying silent on Gaza. I deserve to be honored in the loser hall of fame for that one.”

Republican operative Stephen Miller took time away from his hobby of kicking lambs to death to agree with Schumer.

“No one is more shocked than us,” said Miller from his home in Americans’ nightmares. “This spell of victories the Democrats are seeing from candidates endorsed by Muslim mayor Mamdani goes against the natural order of things like race-mixing or people experiencing happiness in my presence. At the end of the day though, this is just a blip, and we’re expecting the Democrats to run Kamala Harris again in 2028 or, fuck it, maybe they’ll trot Hillary out for another spin of the wheel. At the end of the day, they’ll lose just like the Nazarene at Golgotha and just as then I’ll be there to witness it.”

Election strategist James Strong thinks all of this is compensation for the Democratic wins in 2008 and 2012.

“Barack Obama’s win basically left Democrats with a bill to pay,” said Strong from his desk at Gavin Newsom’s headquarters. “Obama was a win like the Democrats hadn’t seen since John Kennedy, and now they’re paying that back with interest. Obama promised a new direction for America, and no one in power wants that, so they pretty much reinvented loss until they had perfectly defined a model that gives monsters like Trump unlimited power with no response from the Democrats except to apologize for bruising their bully’s knuckles.”

Leader of the Democratic caucus, Hakeem Jeffries, said that their losing days were over and they would be putting all of their energies into defeating Mamdani and AOC.

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