Executive Order Designates Shaking Empty Beer Can At Wife As Official Language Of U.S.

WASHINGTON—In a new attempt to promote efficiency and unity in the way the Americans communicate, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Wednesday that designated shaking an empty beer can at one’s wife as the official language of the United States. “With the overwhelming majority of Americans fluent in waving an empty beer can at their partner, it’s time we officially recognized this as the way real Americans speak—and if you don’t want to assimilate, you can leave,” said Trump, issuing a stern warning to immigrants who continue to communicate primarily in their native tongue, rather than by thrusting the dregs of a Bud Light toward their wife while seated in a leather recliner. “For generations, this is how real patriotic Americans have communicated with each other. It’s the greatest language in the world, and to elevate any other foreign language above it would be an insult to our cherished American culture.” Trump implored schools across the country to institute in-depth empty-beer-can-shaking-at-spouse courses to ensure younger generations achieve proficiency in the language.

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