Pope Says Church Will Relax Stance on Birth Control When it Comes to JD Vance
Updated on August 6, 2026
VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning break with centuries of Catholic doctrine, on Wednesday Pope Leo XIV announced that the Church would relax its prohibition against birth control when it comes to JD Vance.
The pontiff said that he had arrived at the decision after learning the “troubling news” that Vance had reproduced “yet again.”
“Discovering that JD Vance now has four children and could potentially have more roused me to action,” Leo said. “Something had to be done to contain his gene pool.”
Further justifying the contraception carve-out for Vance, Leo said, “If his offspring inherit his Pope-killing powers, the very existence of this Church is imperiled.”
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