5 Tips For Healthy Cannabis Use That You Will Completely Ignore

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last decade, or you’ve just been really, really high, recreational cannabis is legal in almost half the country now. Oh, also, democracy collapsed. No relation. 

With more people experimenting with cannabis than ever before, it’s important to know how to consume this drug safely and responsibly. Here are 5 tips to maintaining a safe, healthy, functional relationship with cannabis that you will read, think about implementing, but ultimately completly ignore. 

Limit Use 

Setting firm guardrails around your consumption is the most effective way to avoid negative side effects like dependency, cognitive impairment, and mood disorders like depression. Limiting use to a few times a month, or even using cannabis as a reward system for productivity benchmarks, can allow you to enjoy the positives of cannabis without significantly sacrificing mental or physical health. Unfortunately, you’re a hard ‘pass.’ It’s not that you can’t implement these boundaries; anyone can. It’s just that you can also get high every goddamn day, and on any given day, that feels like the best option for that particular day. 

Choose The Safest Consumption Method  

There have never been more alternatives to traditional smoking when it comes to cannabis consumption. Edibles, topicals, tinctures, tonics, and herb vaporizers are all readily available. You know this. So why, in God’s name, are you about to use a straw to freebase a hit of homemade hash, heated by a blowtorch on a butter knife by a guy you barely know named Scat? You know it’s an abbreviation of his last name, and it’s like Skatopolis or Skaterellie or something like that, but you don’t know what that name is, you just know he’s really excited to be melting drugs on a knife in front of your face. Oh well, time for a big ole’ hit of hippie crack, and some pet hair, and whatever else is in that weird bubbling ball of tar someone you’re loosely connected to made in their garage. 

Oh wow, you had a panic attack? Oh wow, how the hell did that happen? 

Fuck you. 

Avoid Stressful/High Risk Situations 

Of all the tips you’ll see on how to consume cannabis safely, this is perhaps the most important one that you will utterly fail to internalize. You get it in principle. Makes sense. Makes a lot of sense. And you think you follow it! You think you do. And yet, there you are, smoking as much weed as you possibly can in your car before your warehouse shift because you think your body puts extra pot in like a savings account or something. Three people called out, you’re already backed up, and some asshole from corporate is coming in today, so you’re really gonna need that savings weed down the hatch asap. Damn, 9:00. You forgot how feet work for a second there, but that forklift isn’t going to operate itself, so up and at em!  

Do Not Mix With Other Substances 

Cannabis can interact negatively with alcohol, drugs, or even over-the-counter medication. Even when there is no negative interaction, the entourage effect can radically change your experience in unfamiliar ways. The problem is, all you heard was “entourage effect,” and you’re just like, “Tell me more!” Before you know it, you’re stone-souping your way into hardcore drug use. “You know what would really elevate this marijuana Two adderall a six-pack of Miller High Life.” 

Remember, Edibles Have A Delayed Onset, So Always Wait At Least NO, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! STOP! 

Dude! It’s been 25 minutes! Dude! Are you out of your goddamn mind?! How many times are you going to make this same mistake?! Edibles can take up to 2 hours to fully kick in. You’ve known this your entire adult life; it says it right there on the label. But OH NO! Almost half an hour and still no high? I better chase this down with double the amount I just fucking ate! Oh, I bet this won’t be like last time, when I did the same exact thing at a party and spent two hours walking in a circle, feeling guilty that my friends are gonna have to call the cops when I die! Or the time before that, or the time before that, or literally every single time I have done this! 

Oh well. Forklift isn’t gonna operate itself. Up and at em.

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