WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In alarming news for Republicans heading into the midterm elections, a new poll released on Monday revealed that Donald J. Trump is less popular than explosive diarrhea.

By a margin of two to one, likely voters said that they would rather suffer two years of the acute gastrointestinal ailment than the remainder of Trump’s term.

According to polling experts, this marks the first time a president of the United States has been outperformed by a food-borne parasite.

At the White House, press secretary Karoline Leavitt dismissed the poll, declaring, “Not only is President Trump as popular as explosive diarrhea, to millions of Americans he is synonymous with it.”

Other COVID Origin Stories Rand Paul Should Investigate

When it comes to investigating the origin of COVID, who better than a self-certified ophthalmologist like Rand Paul? Here are some other COVID origin stories we think he should look into.

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