Inspiring: This Scientist Has Figured Out a Way To Feed Homeless Dogs Using Only Bill Maher Fans
With the tech industry forcing itself down our throats and finding new ways to disrupt our lives daily, it’s nice to remember that science can actually be used for good.
There’s nothing more heartbreaking than a malnourished k9. Given that we can’t even take care of our homeless human population in this country, you can imagine how strained animal shelters are when it comes to securing food for abandoned pets in need. But now, one altruistic scientist has offered a solution that could save millions of dogs.
Dr. Cynthia Calver, a nutritionist and animal rights activist, has come up with a process that renders ordinary Bill Maher fans into a useful, k9-grade food source!
“Any problem is solvable if you learn to ask the right questions,” explained Dr. Calver in a Zoom Q&A. “In the case of feeding homeless animals, I asked myself, ‘What virtually useless thing do we have the most of in this country?’ Then I remembered how many Bill Maher fans exist. They’re a resource we don’t normally think about because all they do is enable one of the biggest pieces of shit on the planet to continue having a career. But when we stop thinking of them as failed people and start thinking of them as raw protein, all of a sudden we have all the dog food we could possibly need!”
It just goes to prove the old adage—one man’s trash or annoying pseudo alt-right relative is another man’s, or hungry dog’s, treasure/source of nutrition. Calver went on to explain the wild success rate she’s enjoyed so far, campaigning in towns across the country to adopt her program.
“When I sit down with the mayor of any given town and start talking about feeding stray dogs, they almost immediately roll their eyes— ’Great, another humanitarian cause we can’t afford to support,’ they think. But once I show them how easy the rendering process is, and how little it costs them—the fanbase of a man who dodges accusations of racism with ‘Hey, I only fuck black chicks’—they can’t get on board fast enough! It’s good for the dogs, it’s good for the community, it’s good for the country.”
Dr. Calver’s process may even help unhoused humans.
“When a Bill Maher fan is properly rendered into useful dog food, about 7% of the unit, mostly indigestible bone material, is left over. This can be ground and used as a cheap building material, providing shelter for unhoused persons who, presumably, don’t want to watch a decrepit millionaire smoke joints and tell them how wokeness is ruining America.”
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