Anarchist Bakery Proudly Draft Dodger Owned
SEATTLE — Local unsuccessful bakery The Communist Mani-Feast-O is reportedly proudly 100% owned by individuals who have not served in a single American war by force, sources who don’t seem like they’d be a lot of fun at a party confirmed.
“We started this bakery with little more than a philosophy, a dream and a whole lot of dough we stole from the Canadian government. The last part was only made possible because I spent an undisclosed amount of time there during Vietnam,” explained owner Ferry Douglass. “I come from a long line of draft dodgers, dating all the way back to my great great great grand pappy Minuteman Jim Douglass, who successfully dodged the Battle of Bunker Hill by having a bit of a rumbly tummy that day. It’s how the family line survived.”
Bill Johnson, local resident and man who was dishonorably discharged from the Air National Guard, disagreed with the bakery owner’s pride.
“This whole damn establishment is an insult to everything I served for! How the hell are you gonna run a business in this country if you’ve never been shitfuck drunk next to an aircraft carrier?” exclaimed a noticeably greasy Johnson. “These godless draft dodgers make me sick! Hopefully our badass man president who served in… um… college rowing, will soon deport them back to the countries they originally escaped to.”
As all anarchist bakeries are dog-friendly, local canine patron Banjo McScruff-n-Stuff had a surprising amount to say on the matter.
“The biscuits here are very dry. Honestly the driest of all the bakeries I visit during a typical day,” stated Banjo while trying untie the bandana he was forced to wear. “Draft-dodger? How pathetic are you people? You shot some of my species into space just to see if the rockets would work. Whatever. Just have these cowards moisten up the treats and we’ll call it even.”
At press time, The Communist Mani-Feast-O owners had once again fled the country after learning of the tenuousness of the recent Iran deal.
The post Anarchist Bakery Proudly Draft Dodger Owned appeared first on HARDTIMES.
