Rockstar Leaks Worsen As Hackers Release Fully Playable Copy Of ‘GTA IX’

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Sending the publisher scrambling to protect trade secrets related to the hotly anticipated project, leaks from Rockstar Games worsened Friday as hackers released a fully playable copy of Grand Theft Auto IX. “It’s heartbreaking having assets leak out for any of our projects, but that’s particularly the case when the grav-room immersion technology needed to fuse your somatosensory cortex with the world of Neo-Liberty City won’t exist for nearly 70 years,” read a statement from the company that urged players to wait until the game’s planned Nov. 19, 2096, release, when they could experience GTA IX ’s groundbreaking visuals, rich world, and gameplay mechanics in the intended form of a hypercube that vibrates at para-Newtonian frequencies. “So much of what’s out there is incomplete and unintelligible without knowing the wider context. For example, the game’s dialogue is written entirely in a Sino-Anglo-Swahili patois that really won’t become the global language until the 2070s. So, as tempting as it might be, we urge players to wait to experience the pulse-pounding crime story and romance between protagonists Grum-Gruck and the android Brvuaxxr-13 until the game finally comes out on the PlayStation 12.” Despite the additional pressure, Rockstar Games stressed that the studio continued to have no plans for a physical release of GTA IX, which it said would only be available to players who dissolved their neuro-ghost into a digital universe known as the Nano Stream.

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