Hitler Estate Sues Trump for Stealing Arch Design
Kevin Carter/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The estate of Adolf Hitler sued Donald J. Trump on Thursday for what it called the “blatant theft” of the late German chancellor’s design for an arch of triumph in Berlin.…
USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga
The post USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga appeared first on The Onion.
Hunter Arrested After Mistaking Woman For A Deer
A 74-year-old hunter was arrested on felony manslaughter charges after fatally shooting a woman whom he mistook for a deer. What do you think? “Many hunters are naturalists who hold great respect for the women they kill.” Spencer Dunn, Whirlpool…
Dr. DooDiddle
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Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago
ST. LOUIS—Kicking himself for missing out on a potentially lucrative financial opportunity, local man Keith Towers reportedly realized this week that he might have become rich if he had invested in rice 7,000 years ago. “Damn, I wish I’d had the…
Algorithm Distorting How Important Man Thinks ‘Gummo’ Is To Rest Of World
PLAISTOW, NH—Blaming their friend’s personalized internet feed for his warped perception of the film’s impact, sources confirmed Wednesday that the algorithm presented to local man Todd Bennett had been distorting how important he thinks Gummo is to the…
Woke Gone Too Far: This Tattoo Artist Refuses to Draw My Cybersigilsm Design Solely Because It Looks Like Shit
First, they cancelled Louis C.K., and I said nothing. Next, they put fewer white actors in Roomba commercials, and I said nothing. Then, they attacked Roald Dahl, and I said something, but it was actually kind of supportive because I hate censorship, but…
American Medical Association: ‘Huge Biceps Are Only Thing That Matters’
CHICAGO—Granting the public permission to disregard the organization’s previous recommendations, American Medical Association officials announced this week that huge biceps were now the only thing that mattered for health. “Rather than worrying…
Trump Bans CNN, MS NOW, Politico From White House Press Pool
President Trump banned news outlets CNN, MS NOW, and Politico from participating in the White House press pool, citing what he considers fake news coverage of himself. What do you think? “Yeah, lots of grandpas yell at cable news.” Jonah Gardner, Topiary…
‘What’s Happening Is Catastrophic and Unjustifiable,’ – Ed Sheeran Finally Breaks Silence About Ticket Sales
BOSTON — Ed Sheeran finally broke his silence to address the controversy surrounding his embattled 2026 tour following his supporting acts’ dismissal for expressing anti-genocide views about the conflict in Gaza, sources confirmed. “The opening acts,…