Novelist Was Clearly Betrayed By A Vampire In His Past

ARLINGTON, TX—Noting the text was “chock-full” of anti-vampire bias, local woman Anna Lambert told reporters Tuesday that the author of the book she was reading had clearly been betrayed by a vampire in his past. “He definitely has an ax to grind, because this vampire character is written as a total monster,” said Lambert, who frowned as she read a passage describing the creature as a “repulsive bloodsucker” and speculated that one such undead being had either bullied or jilted the novelist in his youth. “Plus, some of these descriptions are way too specific: a ‘cruel mouth,’ ‘pointy ears,’ ‘moves down the castle wall like a lizard’? That has got to be inspired by a vampire he knew in real life. Or maybe he’s had a bunch of bad experiences with vampires and this is just a composite character?” Lambert went on to state that the book’s sex scenes indicated that, at the very least, the author had known a vampire who was fantastic in bed.

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