God Struggling To Remember Why He Made So Many Ugly People

THE HEAVENS—Scratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to remember on Friday why He made so many ugly people. “I could have given everyone on Earth perfect, symmetrical proportions, so why didn’t I?” wondered the all-powerful deity aloud to Himself, adding that there was “no obvious rationale”behind why He’d chosen to give so many humans weak jawlines, cystic acne, buck teeth, or receding hairlines. “Did I make them ugly to punish them? Did I just get lazy? Maybe I thought at one point that excessive hair, cellulite, or goiters were attractive. I’m omnipotent, so I should remember this. All I know is that 90% of them are pretty hard to look at most of the time.” At press time, a frustrated God announced that He would correct His mistake by remaking everyone in the image of Dennis Quaid.

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