Firefighter Goes to Town on Punching Bag He Taped Photo of Fire To

AKRON, Ohio — Letting out a series of strained, angry grunts, local firefighter Dean Portney absolutely went to town on a punching bag he taped a photo of fire to this past week, confirmed sources.

“I just hate fire so, so much; but, as a firefighter, there are times you aren’t actually fighting fire,” said Portney, whose disdain for open flames knows no bounds. “Because sometimes there aren’t infernos near you, itching for a bout, what I do to keep my mind sharp is I tape a photo of my enemy number one—fire—right to my punching bag. Just seeing it gets me so riled up that I absolutely go to town on the damn thing. It sounds strange, sure, but it helps me remember what it is that I’m trying to kill: fire.”

While hating conflagration isn’t a prerequisite for becoming a firefighter, old hands at the work report that a healthy loathing for it doesn’t hurt.

“Dean’s one of my best, and his commitment to keeping his enemy at the top of his mind is a pretty clear reason why,” explained Vance Everett, the Chief of Dean’s station. “Other guys, they do this job for the paycheck, or the guaranteed pension. Hell, some even do it because they like the idea of riding on a big truck, but Dean’s different. He’s so good because he so hates fire.”

In the modern era, fires are more aggressive than ever, fueled by climate change, diminished wildland management budgets, and a persistent belief that fire, under the right circumstances, is cool.

“While seeing fire and needing to physically fight it isn’t, per se, typical of most firefighters, firefighters’ whole reason for being is to put fires out,” noted Louis Curran of the US Wildland Fire Service. “So, if Mr. Portney needs to strap an 8×10 of some roiling flames to his punching bag in order to stay on top of his job, well, I don’t see any reason to discourage him. You might think that fire’s cool. But will you be thinking that when it comes knocking at your door? I don’t think so. And it’s the kind of mind that gets so uncontrollably upset over seeing just an image of flames that protects you and me alike.”

At press time, Portney opened up one of his station’s firehoses on his punching bag, sending it careening across the floor, temporarily cooling his searing hatred for fire itself.

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