Andy Beshear Demands to Know if Rand Paul is Brain-Dead
Maxine Wallace/The Washington Post via Getty Images FRANKFORT, KENTUCKY (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the situation “unacceptable to the people of my state,” on Tuesday Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear demanded to know whether or not…
Adorable Dog Mayor of Small Town Approves Data Center
BARKLEY, Ore. — Residents gathered Tuesday evening outside Town Hall to protest Mayor Waffles, a five-year-old dog, after he approved a controversial 2.3 million-square-foot data center project expected to transform the local economy and consume more…
New Poll Reveals Trump Less Popular Than Explosive Diarrhea
AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In alarming news for Republicans heading into the midterm elections, a new poll released on Monday revealed that Donald J. Trump is less popular than explosive diarrhea. By a margin of two to…
Two-Armed Drummer in Def Leppard Tribute Band Clearly Hasn’t Committed to the Bit
MONTCLAIR, N.J. — Craig Towney, the two-armed drummer for Def Leppard tribute band Sugarpourers, clearly demonstrated that he’s not willing to commit to the bit, sources report. “I’m really having fun playing in Sugarpourers, but I know that I haven’t…
Oh, You’re a Cannibal Corpse Fan? Name Three Torture Porn Movies
A Cannibal Corpse fan, huh? Like your music pummelling and your lyrics gory, do ya That’s neat ’n all, but then that fandom should extend to the cinematic equivalent — torture porn. Gimme three torture porn films right now, or don’t ever talk about being…
Other COVID Origin Stories Rand Paul Should Investigate
Sen. Rand Paul, who became a COVID investigator after an illustrious career as a COVID superspreader. (Photo: Alex Wroblewski / AFP via Getty Images) After a tense hearing on Wednesday in which Senator Rand Paul grilled Dr. Anthony Fauci about the…
Progressive Free-Spirited College Town Not Fucking Around When It Comes To Parking Enforcement
SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Davis Square, a bustling and inclusive neighborhood, boasts a diverse arts scene, a fiercely independent business community, and a parking enforcement agency that will fuck up someone’s whole day, locally-made-kombucha-sipping sources…
Five Surprising Medical Advancements That Came Out of the Laboratory From the “Dope Show” Music Video
You probably remember the laboratory from shock rocker turned diarrhea human Marilyn Manson’s 1998 “Dope Show” music video as the ethically dubious site wherein the androgynous singer was transformed into an odd, muzzled creature later courted by Billy…
Anarchist Bakery Proudly Draft Dodger Owned
SEATTLE — Local unsuccessful bakery The Communist Mani-Feast-O is reportedly proudly 100% owned by individuals who have not served in a single American war by force, sources who don’t seem like they’d be a lot of fun at a party confirmed. “We started…