Casper Recalls Mattresses That Won’t Stop Expanding When Unboxed

NEW YORK—In an urgent step intended to protect customers and humanity itself from the company’s flagship product, Casper Sleep announced Tuesday an immediate recall of mattresses that won’t stop expanding once unboxed. “In response to thousands of reports of our mattresses inflating catastrophically past their intended dimensions, we have removed the items from our online store and urge anyone who has an unopened box to return it free of charge for disposal,” said Casper president Mike McQuiston, who cited numerous accounts of customers being fatally engulfed by their mattress as it rapidly swelled to fill a room’s entire floor before bursting through interior walls and the exterior of the dwelling itself. “We can confirm that our mattresses—the largest of which is now roughly the size of Connecticut—have spread over 5% of the continental U.S. with no signs of slowing down. So far no manmade structure or natural terrain has proven capable of halting the mattresses’ growth, and military strikes have been unable to puncture their durable knit polyester exterior. I don’t know what happens next, but I am truly sorry to all who will suffer because of the mattresses we have unleashed upon the world. May God forgive Casper and help us all.” McQuiston added that any customers who miraculously survived an encounter with one of the mattresses could contact Casper for a refund as well as a 10% discount on their next order.

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