Donald Trump Threatens to Personally Give Every American Chlamydia if Republicans Lose the Midterms

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has doubled down on his questionable pledge to send every American $5,000 if Republicans retain control of Congress this November by alternatively promising to personally infect every American with a sexually transmitted infection if they do not, sources report.

“If the Republicans win, you win with us by getting a Trump Dividend,” he told the crowd at a GOP midterm convention in Dallas. “If they don’t, though, I will make it my mission, and it will be a great mission, some say even the best mission, to give you all this nasty case of chlamydia I caught from Natalie Harp in New Jersey over the weekend, and have been hiding so, so successfully from the White House medical team. I won’t stop until I’ve either penetrated, or been penetrated by, each and every one of you without using protection, and you will wake up with a dull pain in your lower abdomen and an off-white discharge, and you’ve never seen discharge like this, believe me folks, coming from your genitals, like I just did.”

Vice President J.D. Vance attempted to partially walk back Trump’s promise.

“What I think the President was trying to say is that he’ll only be infecting Democrat voters with chlamydia,” Vance told reporters. “Now, you can try to spin this by saying it’s bad that the President of the United States is threatening to sexually assault millions of Americans, just like you could say that he’s also threatening to cost taxpayers over a trillion dollars by handing out $5,000 checks, but you’d be leaving out important details. As always, just vote Republican this November, and you’ll have nothing to worry about.”

Swing voter Ryan Gaucher of Dallas was unsure what to make of the claims.

“I’ve been hovering back and forth between James Talarico and Ken Paxton for a while,” Gaucher said. “Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t turn down $5,000, but I just don’t think that’s a good idea for several reasons. Then again, I don’t want to be rawdogged by our disease-ridden octogenarian President, so I think I may be leaning towards Paxton. Say what you will about Donald Trump, man, but the guy definitely knows how to work out a deal with the American public.”

At press time, Trump had said the cost of traveling to every household in America would be covered by tariff revenues.

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