Metallica Releases ‘The Unforgiven V’ After Losing Count

LOS ANGELES — Heavy metal band Metallica released the new single “The Unforgiven V” after apparently losing count, sources report.

“We’ve been putting out these songs for a while,” frontman James Hetfield noted. “I remember the first on our self-titled album back in the early ‘90s, then we released a sequel a few years later. The next couple decades get a little hazy, but I’m fairly certain we came out with two more, so we’re on the fifth one now. I guess I could go back and double-check, but it would just be a waste of time. I’m heading to Armani to buy some clothes in a few minutes, and then I’ve booked a private jet to Russia to hunt black bears. I doubt anyone will notice if we got the number wrong once this song releases.”

Fan Jada Parker was disgruntled by the new song.

“Ugh, are they even trying at this point?” Parker questioned disgustedly. “Every time they come out with new music, a small part of me gets excited that they’ll have returned to their roots and it’ll sound like something off ‘Ride the Lightning,’ but of course I’m always wrong. I really should have learned my lesson when ‘St. Anger’ collectively disappointed every metalhead on Earth. I guess this ‘Unforgiven’ screw-up is just further evidence that I should have given up on this band long ago. I guess I’ll just stick with their first four albums and pretend that they permanently called it quits in 1990.”

Music expert Kendra Simmern reflected on the plight of older metal musicians.

“There are so many metal bands who should have hung it up years ago, but are clearly continuing just for the money,” Simmern noted. “This song title issue is just an obvious indicator of that, as if it wasn’t already well-known that Metallica is phoning it in and collecting a hefty paycheck. After all, we’ve seen such dismissive, throwaway releases every few years from Megadeth ever since their last decent album ‘Countdown to Extinction,’ and don’t even get me started on the late Ozzy Osbourne. I applaud Ms. Parker’s resolution to pretend the band isn’t together anymore, as we all would just be better off by focusing on our favorite artists’ classic albums and otherwise ignoring them entirely.”

At press time, Metallica was planning on adding “The Unforgiven V” to what they were pretty sure would be their fourth symphony collaboration.

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