HHS Replaces Childhood Vaccination Schedule With List Of Recommended Animal Bites

WASHINGTON—Revising the former timetable to reflect its latest public guidelines, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services replaced the childhood vaccination schedule Friday with a list of recommended animal bites. “It’s highly important that kids receive at least 15 bites from a variety of mammals, reptiles, and insects before they reach the age of 3,” said Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who added that regular doses of rat saliva, snake venom, and infected tick fluid would help small children build immunity crucial to fending off diseases in adulthood. “The animals don’t have to be rabid, but that’s definitely a plus. Ultimately, it should be up to parents to decide whether they want their 6-month-old to get a raccoon bite, an opossum bite, or both at the same time. And don’t skip out on your turtle nips! They’re a great source of salmonella bacteria and help promote headaches, stomach cramping, and bloody diarrhea.” Kennedy also stated that his department would soon release an updated schedule of recommended slips and falls for the elderly.

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