Nation’s LGBTQ+ Community Forms Protective Circle Around Liza Minnelli and Cher

LOS ANGELES — In what is being called a state of emergency following the back-to-back deaths of Dolly Parton and Tim Curry, aging queer icons Liza Minnelli and Cher have been placed under protective custody by a large coalition of queer-identifying individuals from around the country, Hollywood sources report. 

“The Queens are secure, and every precaution towards their health and safety is being taken,” said queer community organizer Darah Lutz while acting as a link in the human chain that surrounds “The compound,” a luxury Airbnb where the stars are being held. “Dolly Parton and Tim Curry both gone in one week? This is no time to fuck around. Seriously, if you come within 3 feet of this blockade, I will end you.” 

Lutz agreed to elaborate on the precautions being taken to assure the safety of the legendary divas, provided reporters kept their distance. 

“It’s a full-scale lockdown with all the necessary ‘Final Destination’ protocols in place. Every corner of every object in that building has been padded, every inch of flooring has been fitted with those no-slip shower thingies, the plumbing, gas, and wiring are inspected on the hour, every hour — no happenstance Rube Goldberg ‘death’s-design’ bullshit is going to take our spiritual mommies from us. The suite is staffed with a full medical team, a masseuse staff, and 5 of the best bartenders in the Western Hemisphere. In the event of an intrusion, the alarms will sound, and Liza and Cher have been instructed to stand back-to-back holding knives until given the all-clear.”

While contact with the iconic stars is strictly prohibited due to safety concerns, Cher and Liza Minnneli have released the following statement:

“To whom it may concern, we are both of sound mind and body and are here of our own free will. We are being kept safe, we are being kept healthy, and we are being kept extremely comfortable. Frankly, we have not felt this pampered since the days of Studio 54. Seriously, if you’ve never had an army of queer 20-somethings wait on you hand and foot, honey, you should try it sometime. Xoxo, Liza & Cher.” 

The Coalition for Queer Icon Preservation is currently offering a $10,000 reward for information on the whereabouts of Sir Ian McKellen.

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