Doctor Reassures Patient That Lump Probably Just Body Making Extra Guy

COLUMBUS, OH—Telling the 54-year-old there was no reason to panic over the fist-sized bulge that had recently begun shifting beneath the skin of his abdomen, local physician Alan Keller reportedly reassured patient Eric Madsen on Wednesday that the lump was probably just his body making an extra guy. “At your age, it’s perfectly normal to notice some changes—your metabolism slows down, your hair starts thinning, and occasionally your body begins assembling unused cartilage and tissue into a smaller, extremely wet person,” said Dr. Keller, gently manipulating the mass with two fingers until it recoiled and produced a faint clicking sound. “See those little bumps along the top? Those are teeth. Great sign. Now, if your extra guy hasn’t started hissing, crying, or attempting to force one of its arms through your navel within the next two months, then I want you to come back in, because we do like to see it hitting those developmental milestones.” Keller also recommended that Madsen stay active, maintain a nutrient-dense diet, and inject a prescription sedative directly into the semi-sentient protrusion whenever it became riled up. He then snapped on a glove and said, “All right, ready for your prostate exam?”

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