Trump Tears Up White House In Search Of More Munitions

WASHINGTON—Surrounded on all sides by overturned furniture, ripped-out desk drawers, and dozens of loose items flung wildly from their shelves, President Donald Trump reportedly tore up the White House on Thursday in a frantic search for more munitions. “Come on, come on, there’s gotta be one of those interceptor things around here somewhere,” said Trump, desperately hoping that the large Oval Office portrait of Andrew Jackson he heaved onto the splintered Resolute desk concealed a missile storage tube built into the wall. “Gimmie one tank shell, a machine gun, a couple of bullets, anything. Okay, I already cut through the mattress in the Lincoln Bedroom, slashed all the upholstery in the Red Room, and pried up the floorboards in the Cabinet Room. Nothing. And I don’t know where armaments could be hiding in the East Wing, since it’s pretty much just a giant pit right now. I mean, I guess I could punch a few more holes in the ceiling of the State Dining Room but—goddammit, Donald, think. Think!” At press time, sources confirmed a crazed Trump was about to swing a sledgehammer at a grid of monitors in the Situation Room when he suddenly recalled with an embarrassed chuckle that he had access to 5,000 nukes.

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