Doughy Eastern European Man Tired Of Everyone Assuming He’s NBA Superstar

MCCOOK, IL—Complaining that he couldn’t even walk down the street without being mistaken for a world-class basketball player, doughy Eastern European immigrant Vukašin Petrović told reporters Thursday that he was tired of everyone assuming he was an NBA superstar. “Just because I’m a 6-foot-10, soft-bodied Balkan man with a last name ending in ‘-ić,’ everyone automatically thinks I’m some kind of elite big man for the Grizzlies,” said Petrović, shaking his enormous head and explaining that despite his stoic facial features, deeply untoned torso, and hands that looked like they’d been pouring concrete for 30 years, he had no experience playing competitive basketball and was in fact just a 39-year-old forklift operator who spent his free time sitting shirtless on a plastic chair and smoking cigarettes. “People see my buzzed head and heavy, bearlike frame and immediately want to talk to me about throwing no-look passes and if I train with Jokić or Porziņģis or whoever. I’m tired of these hurtful assumptions! I don’t even like basketball! I’m just a huge, emotionally flat laborer who happens to be from a part of the world where every man looks like he could record a triple-double.” At press time, Petrović had reportedly grown even more irritated after a group of passersby asked to take a picture with him and then walked away arguing over whether he was Luka Dončić or Bogdan Bogdanović.

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