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Home/Satire - The Onion/Timothy Burnett

Timothy Burnett

August 11, 2026

Timothy Burnett, 67, was sealed in a mausoleum Sunday along with the living Taskrabbit handyman, Rover walker, and DoorDash deliveryman who will continue to serve him in the afterlife.

The post Timothy Burnett appeared first on The Onion.

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  • Nation Shocked That Darline Graham Not Stupidest Senator on Judiciary Committee
  • Nation Horrified To Think Sexual Assault Could Happen On College Campus
  • University Administration Says They Could’ve Punished Cornell 7 More Severely Had Any of Them Said ‘Free Palestine’
  • Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat
  • Flock CEO Insists Company’s Data Only Shared With FBI, DHS, NSA, DOJ, CIA and REO Speedwagon

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