Trump Names Unnamed Soldier ‘Trump’
WASHINGTON—In observance of Veterans Day, President Donald Trump visited Arlington National Cemetery on Wednesday and named the Unknown Soldier, also known as the Unnamed Soldier, “Trump.”
“This soldier was a very brave soldier, okay? Very brave, and he wasn’t a nobody, okay? He’s not a nobody. He’s a very important person. And I’m going to give him the name that many important people think is the most important name in the world: Trump,” the President said. “I know, I know, very generous thing to do. Very generous. A lot of people say to me, you know, President Trump, why are you so generous giving your name to so many things, so many people, and I say you know, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for his great, beautiful country, the best country in the world. But it’s a big thing to do. My name. I know that this soldier, with God, is very happy today.”
An on-site reporter for Fox News asked Trump if he had any other identifying information about the soldier, specifically, how American the soldier was.
“Very. Very American,” Trump said. “Trump, the soldier was very American like me. And let me tell you, if I found out he wasn’t pure American; if one of my important people—one of the many important people working for me every day and night for me who can find out things that other people don’t know—if I find out he wasn’t maximum American, the soldier will be stripped of my name, dug up and deported.”
As Trump left the podium, Pete Hegseth streaked naked through the crowd and onto the stage, yelling “Warrior!” while huffing a peach balloon believed to be filled with a mixture of laughing gas and poppers.
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