Horror Punk House Denies Halloween Candy to Any Child Who’s Listened to Post-‘Art of Drowning’ AFI
FORT WAYNE, Ind.— Residents of a horror punk house refused to distribute Halloween candy to children who have listened to any AFI songs past their 2000 album “The Art of Drowning,” confused sources report.
“It’s just common sense,” inhabitant Elias Greenewalt said as he rubbed a fresh coat of grease into his devilock. “If you’ve listened to AFI after they’ve strayed from the best genre of music in the world, you don’t deserve to take part in this holiday, and you definitely don’t deserve any of our Now & Laters. This is a holiday for horror punks who think the ‘All Hallow’s’ EP is the best thing they’ve ever done, not posers who listen to the nu-wave stuff they’ve put out in recent years. Today is Halloween, for Christ’s sake. We have to do something to ensure the integrity of this sacred holiday is upheld. Otherwise, just anyone could walk up to our front door and grab a three-pack of Starburst.”
Trick-or-treater Mariah Bilko was puzzled by her treatment at the horror punk house.
“I went up to the front door and gave the standard greeting, and this guy with eye shadow and an extra small black t-shirt asked me to name an AFI song I’d listened to,” Bilko said. “I vaguely remember hearing this one on the radio, called ‘Miss Murder’ or something like that, so I said it and he immediately shut the door in my face. Did I do something wrong? I’m more confused than angry by it though, because I straight-up saw Smarties and mini-Twizzlers in his candy bowl, so I didn’t miss out on much. At any rate, I’ve made a mental note to egg his house later.”
Sociologist Hamza Sardar has seen this before.
“It’s extremely common for fans of specific genres to use holidays as a way to gatekeep,” Sardar explained. “For instance, I once did a case study of Christmas caroling metalheads who refused to stop at houses that didn’t own a copy of King Diamond’s ‘No Presents for Christmas,’ and don’t even get me started on the behavior of Kid Rock’s fans during the 4th of July. We would all be much better off if people just celebrated holidays without incorporating their specific music tastes into them at every available opportunity.”
At press time, the horror punk house had also begun denying candy to any child who thought “Halloween” was an original AFI song.
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