TSA Agent Pats Down Family at End of Long Workday 

DALLAS — Arriving home after a strenuous 12-hour shift at the Dallas Fort Worth International Airport, Transportation Security Administration agent Larry Prosky greeted his family with a loving pat-down to close out his workday, confirmed sources.

“When I get home from a shift, I’m dog tired,” reported Prosky, who’s been working as an agent for eight years now. “I’ve just been telling passengers to empty water bottles, sending folks with metal plates in their heads through the detectors a second or even a third time. So, I just want to relax, hang with my family, and give every one of them a thorough pat-down to check for any weapons or other banned items they might’ve forgotten they were carrying on their person before seeing me.”

While Larry Prosky’s airport pat-downs are generally random in keeping with TSA policy, he never skimps on providing a daily, affectionate hand check for his family upon arriving home.

“When Larry gets through that door after busting his ass, I just want to wrap him up in a big hug and a kiss,” said wife Shannon Prosky. “Of course, that has to wait—security protocols are security protocols, after all, and he’s just trying to keep everybody safe while we’re on our way to enjoying each other’s company. I’ve even started taking my shoes off as soon as he pulls into the driveway. I know that’s not a universal requirement anymore, but Larry likes to cross every t and dot every i, which is one of the things I love most about him. So, for now, it’s feet out for me.”

Though the number of physical pat-downs TSA agents provide has declined markedly since the widespread adoption of millimeter wave scanners at airports, Larry Prosky’s TSA team still pats a number of passengers down daily.

“My employees can’t just turn off their work brains at the end of a shift, and that’s what makes them my employees,” explained Barbara Zaleski, Larry Prosky’s supervisor. “A 4oz bottle of shampoo doesn’t get through our checkpoint for a reason, so it makes sense to me that Larry would subject his wife, kids, and hell, his priest to a pat-down if he had to. You don’t additionally screen someone you don’t care about.”

At press time, Larry Prosky was seen climbing onto the couch, where he had a better angle to wand scan the family cat.

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