White House Downplays Hyena Biting Down On Trump’s Ass
WASHINGTON—Calling the attention the incident was receiving yet another example of liberal media bias, the White House downplayed on Friday the fact that a hyena was currently biting down on the ass of President Donald Trump. “No one should be surprised that all the scrutiny from the mainstream press is focused squarely on the spotted hyena with its jaws dug into the right buttock of the president and not on our historically prosperous economy,” said assistant press secretary Beni Rae Harmony, adding that there was sadly no accomplishment impressive enough to stop the media from running footage of the animal that had gnawed through the rear pocket of Trump’s suit pants and latched onto the flesh underneath. “Besides, this hyena is obviously just a juvenile that probably doesn’t weigh more than 80 pounds and lacks the mandible strength of a fully grown adult—but you won’t hear that in all the fake news headlines, let alone how tariffs have brought down prices across the country.” At press time, access to Trump had been cut off except for those media outlets that agreed not to mention that the president was now partially digested by a reticulated python.
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